Finn and I spent the majority of the weekend together at each other’s houses. Friday night we spent at my house. He left Saturday morning and I went to his place early that evening. He had sent me a picture at one point during the day of a purchase he had just made. A set of martini glasses and a bar set. He proclaimed later that he’s the type of guy who wants to make sure he is prepared for any occasion and he realized after being with me that he didn’t have these sorts of things and he needed them. Uh-huh, sure.
We went to dinner and then to the liquor store so that he could make sure he had drinks on hand that I want. Then we came back and settled in for an evening of the new season of Black Mirror.
Having met each other through an online dating app, the episode, “Hang the DJ” was somewhat relevant to us. If you haven’t seen it, there is a dating app called “coach” who picks partners for people and establishes how long the partners will stay together before finally establishing their life’s mate. The central couple are paired up for only 12 hours before going their separate ways, only to later be brought back together by their coaches. However, at one point while they are not together, the woman is paired over and over again with a string of different men, and it’s evident she is getting annoyed with it. Finn made a comment that she keeps getting paired with a new dude every couple days and how annoying that would be. Anyway, the episode was interesting and as someone who has been through the online dating thing a few go rounds, it definitely made me think what if. What if there is a known time limit on each relationship we have/person we meet. I mean, I suppose there technically is, but what if you could know it? Would you want to?
Off to bed we go and we are in the middle of sex when he makes a comment about how he cares about me and how that’s a much better thing than what that chick had endured on the show. I agreed. I can’t remember what was said or how it was said, but he mentioned my interaction with Ryan. So I took the opportunity to say how right he was because what we have is so much better than just the random hookup that people have or like what I had with Ryan. That was all it took for him to stop what he was doing and lay down beside me. Uh, what???
“What’s wrong? What’s happening?”
“Nothing. Just let’s lay here for a minute while I get this out of my head.”
“Get what out of your head? Something that meant nothing and happened before I met you?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry, this is my insecurity rearing its head. I’m gonna go downstairs and get a drink. Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m good.”
He proceeds downstairs and I lay there for a few minutes. He doesn’t return. I get on my phone to waste some time. A half hour passes and he’s still not back, so I go downstairs. I find him sitting in his living room in the dark, with a beer.
“Are you coming back up?”
“Yeah, I’ll be up, I just need a few minutes.”
“It’s been 30 minutes. What is wrong? Talk to me.”
I take a seat on his lap and notice that he was visibly upset. He tells me that I’m a good girl and that I deserve better than him. I say again, uh what?
“Oh my God, what are you talking about? You are literally the best man I have ever met or been lucky enough to involved with.”
“No, I’m not. I screw everything up. I was with Kenzie for two and a half years and she was a good girl too and I screwed it up. Everything has to be on my timeline and I drove her away.”
“Well, are you trying to drive me away? Because this bullshit of leaving me in bed alone when I specifically made plans for a dog sitter so I could spend the night with you and then you mention Kenzie yet again, it kinda seems like you do.”
“No, I don’t, but I just know I’m going to screw this up.”
“Honestly, Finn, until now, you have done NOTHING but sweep me off my feet and win me over, so for you to think you’re going to drive me away, again, other than this, that’s just not going to happen.”
“I just worry that Bumble #1 (what he calls Ryan as I never told him his name) is going to swoop in and you’re going to be with him and if you did, I would just have to deal with that.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, you’d have to deal with that? Let me explain to you how monogamy works. Never mind the fact that is not going to happen anyway, but on the 1 in a billion chance that it did, I would not expect you to ‘just deal with it.’ If I did that, then there are consequences and I know that, which is WHY I would not do that in the first place. I am with you because I want to be with you. Plain and simple. I wish I could get you to understand that and trust it, because it’s true. I haven’t shown you anything to the contrary, have I?”
“Okay then. Now, come back upstairs.”
“I will. I just want to stay down here for a little while longer. I promise I will be beside you when you wake up.”
This whole exchange continued back and forth several times until I finally gave up. It got to be 3 something in the morning and I could see I wasn’t going to win. As stubborn as I am, I could see that when it came to whatever shit was going on in his head, he was going to outlast me. I don’t like to lose, but I lost this one.
I went upstairs and to bed, unsure what to think or how to respond so I just went to sleep. I woke up at 7:30 to pee and he was not there as he had promised. I crawled back into the bed after I was done and a few minutes later he came up, got into the bed with me, and apologized for not keeping his promise. I (semi-jokingly) called him a jerk and told him that he should’ve realized that he wouldn’t be able to keep it since I am an early riser. He agreed and apologized again. I was done talking about it at this point and just wanted a little more sleep.
We’ve since seen each other a few more times and this hasn’t been mentioned. I am very non-confrontational so it’s difficult for me to broach the topic unless it slaps me in the face. Having had several days to think about it, I have come to a few conclusions:
- This wasn’t even about Kenzie, really. It was because of his ex-wife having cheated him and his insecurity stems from there. He did not need to bring Kenzie up again and tell me how he ruined everything because frankly, IDGAF.
- Nobody is perfect, even if it was beginning to look like he could do no wrong, he is human and clearly, he can do some wrong.
- I did not like his thoughts or actions and while I do feel that alcohol may have been a contributing factor. They always say the truth comes out when your inhibitions are lowered, so if he acted like this while drunk, it’s obviously an underlying issue. I just had to decide if I want to work through it or just cut bait. I have decided that at this point, the pros outweigh the cons with him.
- He is in counseling to deal with this sort of thing. He has told me so before this happened and even mentioned it on Sunday morning. He did say that his reaction this time around was better than anything he would’ve done in the past. I asked what he would’ve done in the past because I was not a fan of this reaction and he wouldn’t tell me, stating I would not want to know. Please. Let me be the judge of that. But also please make sure you tell your therapist so she can help you through this. I don’t know if it will get better. I sure hope it does.
- It’s still new. Even though we have been very comfortable with each other from the jump, I still have to remind myself that we don’t know each other as well as it seems or we would like. I need to give it time. Patience has never been my strong suit, but I need to continue working on that if I want to see where this ends up. Especially since this isn’t Black Mirror and we don’t know when our expiration date is. I just know that right now I don’t want that expiration date to be anytime soon.